Heat Wave
by mooyoo
Summary: You were acting like an idiot!" "God, you are so self-righteous!"


**Title: **Heat Wave

**Rating:** G? PG?

**Summery:** Sean and Emma have it out with each other.

**Spoilers** Nothing past the 3rd season finale

**Disclaimer:** Hm...I actually don't know who specifically owns _Degrassi_ and its characters. But it's definitely not me.

**Feedback**: Always appreciated, good or bad.

**AN:** Started this weeks ago and it took forever to bang out for some reason. I'm sure it's now completely different from the show's universe, but it was running around in my head for a while after seeing the end of the 3rd season and I desperately want to see Sean and Emma talk things over. Also: I'm a little tough on the Sean/Ellie relationship, so if you're going to be terribly offended by that, you might want to steer clear.

**ZZZ**

****

She picks her way slowly through the throng of lemonade stands, bicycles, and small children lining the street and taking advantage of the first heat wave of their summer vacation. Shoes dangling from her fingers, she quickly dodges a group of toy cars piled in the middle of the sidewalk, shooting a glare towards the boy to whom they belong, as the sweat on her forehead begins a trickle down towards her eyes. She wipes it away with the back of one hand as she turns a corner, her house finally in sight. It's only been a week, but she already hates this long walk home nearly as much as she hates her job summer job.

As she approaches her house the now familiar sight of her ex-boyfriend bent beneath the open hood of her stepfather's car comes into view, and she sighs in annoyance. She almost wishes that Sean hadn't confessed his guilt to Snake, tired of his constant presence at her house as of late. She knows how selfish that is, however, and quickly chases the thought away, telling herself that at least Sean is paying, somewhat, for his transgression against her stepfather.

Sean glances up at Emma and their eyes meet briefly as she walks by. Neither speaks, and Sean goes immediately back to the work in front of him, but not before Emma notices the thick beads of sweat that coat Sean's skin.

The pair rarely speak to one another; an occasional "hey" tossed back and forth is the extent of their conversation, although, Emma muses as she enters the house, it's more than had been exchanged between them since their breakup. She can't decide whether to be happy about their obvious avoidance of each other, or angry about the words left hanging unsaid between them. There's a part of Emma that wants to scream at Sean every time she sees him; scream and cry and demand to know why he suddenly and so easily dropped her like an unwanted pet, and tell him just what kind of horrible person he is to steal from a sick man who has always treated him so well. She wants to tell him that she hates him, that she was the one person who had always come back to him and believed in him, and let him know that she grossly overestimated his compassion; she wants him to hurt as much as she has.

But she says nothing to him, nothing but an occasional "hey," acting as if they're nothing more than school acquaintances. She tells herself that she doesn't want to show him how much he has affected her, wants to let him know that she care just as little about him as he obviously does about her. She knows, however, that this isn't completely true, and when she's honest with herself she knows that there is something else holding her back from confronting Sean, though she can't quite figure out what it is.

Emma has never been one to shy away from confrontation, has always been proud to let others know what she's thinking and feeling. When it comes to Sean, however, she feels anything but strong. Seeing him now, even after months apart and a new boyfriend, stirs up a cluster of emotions that is hard to sort through. She wants to yell at him, wants to confront him and force him to talk to her about what happened between them, wants to make him hurt, but despite her anger, despite her own pain, she finds each time she attempts to screw up the courage to go out and talk to him, that she just cant bring herself to hate him as much as she wishes she could.

Which is why she finds herself grabbing a can of soda from her refrigerator and walking back outside. He must be thirsty, she thinks, it's ridiculously hot outside and he looks like he hasn't had anything to drink in a while. Sean turns to look at her as she comes out, but she doesn't say anything to him, instead thrusting the can mutely in front of his startled face and heading back into the house before he can get over his shock to thank her.

**ZZZ**

He hates guilt. Hated that ugly ache that started in the pit of his stomach and grew each time he looked at Mr. Simpson. Hated the look in Emma's eyes when she came home to find Ellie leaning on Mr. Simpson's car next to him. After that he told Ellie that she probably shouldn't hang out with him while he worked on the car anymore.

He's done his best to avoid Emma for most of the school year since their breakup, and until now had been fairly successful at it. Neither has acknowledged their relationship or its disastrous end, and as much as he would love to keep it that way and not have to deal with any of the residual angst between them, he knows that the only way to assuage his guilt when it comes to her is to offer an apology. At the very least.

He gives off an aura of nonchalance, does a good job of showing how little he cares about what others think of him, and even manages to convince himself most of the time that his actions are not a big deal, not hurting anyone, and that he is who he is and he's proud of who he is. But when he's completely honest with himself, on the rare occasions when he allows himself to think about who he's become over the past year, he knows that he's acted badly at times, particularly with regards to Emma.

Their relationship has always been volatile, since probably the first time they saw each other, he muses as he carefully enters the house, the unopened can of soda still clutched in his hand. But it was he who went too far all those months ago, he tells himself, not for the first time, and he who pushed her away, refusing to accept the apology she had offered, despite whatever she did to him afterwards. He's not sure how she'll react to his peace offering all this time later, but hopes that the soda that is now numbing his hand is a sign that maybe she isn't angry at him anymore. Regardless, he's on a quest to take control of his life, and he knows that means trying to make right his recent mistakes.

**ZZZ**

Emma's door is half open as Sean comes upon it, and she sits in a chair in front of her computer, her back to the door, one knee folded under her. Sean watches her type rapidly on her computer for a moment, her head bobbing slightly to the music blasting from her stereo and hair blown around by the fan on her desk. As she begins to sing along with the song playing, Sean startles her with a knock on her door, and she jumps and spins around to face him.

Sean notices her eyes narrow as she looks at him and he swallows nervously, giving her a half smile and a "Hey," stepping carefully over the threshold and into her room. "I, uh...can I talk to you for a minute?" When Emma says nothing in reply, he looks down at the ground and continues speaking, both hands now gripping the can of soda.

"Look, I know this is weird, me being here all the time, and I'm sorry about that. I really want to make things right with Mr. Simpson, you know, make up for...for his computer..." He doesn't realize his rambling until he mentions the stolen computer, pausing at the words and trailing off altogether after his semi-admission of the theft. He takes a breath as he glances up to see a wounded look on her face. This is not going at all the way he thought it would.

"Look," he begins again, suddenly unsure of how to do this. The word "sorry" doesn't come often, or easily, from his lips, but he's said it once already in the last few minutes, he tells himself, and he can do it again now. "I'm...you know...I'm sorry," he finally breathes out, and the words come a bit easier after that. "For everything that happened with us...for being such an asshole this year. I apologized to Mr. Simpson about the – the computer, but I...I know I owe you one too." He pauses as he looks her in the eye. "I'm sorry Emma."

They look at each other for a few moments, the silence tense and thick between them. Sean wants to tare his gaze away from Emma's, but finds that their eyes are locked together and he can't seem to move away. He can feel his heart thumping intensely against his chest, and wonders why it's so hard to stand here before her. Her expression isn't really angry, nor scrutinizing; it's sad, he decides, and he once again hates to realize that he's probably the reason for it.

The silence continues for a few more minutes and Sean anxiously waits for her to say something in reply. Finally, as if reading his mind, Emma quietly asks, "What do you want me to say?"

"I, uh..." Sean mumbles, thrown by her response.

"I tried talking to you months ago, Sean," she continues, her eyes moving to her hands folded in her lap. "And you didn't want to talk, so why do you want to now?" She's afraid to look back up at him, but does anyway, and his expression is regretful. She's not sure if she cares.

"I know," Sean replies plaintively, desperate to be out of this room and out of this conversation. "I know, I know, that was...look, I'm trying here, I'm trying to fix this, make things right between us."

Her mouth opens slightly for a moment, surprised at his words. "Why? Why does it even matter at this point? You've spent the past year hating me, why do you care about closure for our relationship that ended five months ago?"

"I don't hate you, Emma," Sean replies softly. "I could never hate you."

"Really," she states, disbelieving. Her jaw is set with tension and her chest feels heavy, but her eyes remain locked, bold and unflinching, with his. "You wouldn't talk to me," she tells him. The tone of her voice is tinged with sadness, and she hopes that he can't tell how hard this is for her to say. "You wouldn't even look at me. I tried to talk to you, to apologize, but you...you just made fun of me and turned me away. You stole my dad's computer, you made out with someone right in front of me...you spit on me." The statement ends barely above a whisper as a tear rolls involuntarily down Emma's cheek. She wipes it away quickly and looks up at the ceiling, willing the rest of them to stay in her eyes. She hates showing him how much influence he still has on her.

The softness of her voice makes Sean's heart feel heavy and he's unable to even look at her anymore. "I know," is all he can say. He sighs and stares hard at the floor. Neither says anything for a moment, and Sean wants to turn the guilt around onto her, hating the feeling sinking through him. "You know...you know, it's not like I'm completely responsible for all this shit. You almost got me arrested, you called me pathetic–"

"I was angry," Emma interrupts, eyes flying back down to meet his and all hesitation and melancholy is gone from the conversation. "And we had already broken up, and maybe I shouldn't have, but you were acting like an idiot!"

Sean is fuming at her words now. "God, Emma, you're so fucking self-righteous! Who the hell cares if I steal a few candy bars?"

"It was more than a few candy bars and you know it. And I told you, I _tried_ talking to you, I _tried_ to apologize for what I said to you, but you just blew me off! I don't even know what I did, why I suddenly wasn't good enough for you."

He can hear the hurt in her voice, despite her anger, and it softens him a bit. "This!" he yells, frustrated. "It was...all of this, this constant arguing, I just got so tired. I was tired of everything, tired of constantly feeling inadequate. I needed my own friends, people I could be myself around!"

His words sting her. "And you couldn't do that with me?" He avoids her eyes, unable to answer her question. "I thought...I thought that you trusted me, that you...that you cared about me." The vulnerability has returned to her tone, but at this point she's not sure that she cares; she's not thinking really as she speaks anymore, now letting him know exactly how much he has hurt her. "You are so angry at everything, at the whole world, Sean, and you never believed that not everyone was going to let you down. You know, even after we'd broken up, even when everyone else was saying what an asshole you'd become, that you'd stolen Snake's computer...I didn't believe that you could do something that awful."

He wants to roll his eyes at her, brush off the act and her accusatory tone. He doesn't want to feel guilty anymore.

"You act like everyone is out to get you," she continues, eye boring into his. "Like you've never had a friend in the world. I know how hard things are for you. And I was always there for you. I _always_ believed in you. And you just...just threw me away like I meant nothing to you, for a bunch of asshole, wannabe gangsters. You walk around as this...wounded bad boy, like nothing is ever your fault because you've had a tough life, well you know what? Everyone has things that are hard, and sooner or later you need to take responsibility for yourself. If you felt inadequate while we were together then that's your own fault, because I _never_ thought that way about you."

"That's what I'm trying to do," Sean replies, somewhat calm despite the anger and shame that her words mix up within him. "I'm trying to take responsibility." His head is pounding from their arguing and once again Emma Nelson has managed to make him feel like he should, and can, be a better person. It makes him angry. He doesn't want to have to change himself, all he wants to is to be who he is and be accepted for who he is, even if it's a slacker and a screw up. That's the biggest difference in his relationship with Ellie compared to his relationship with Emma, he reasons; while Emma always pushed him to change and grow, Ellie is happy with who he is right now. At one time Emma's influence on him made Sean feel special, as if there was more to him than anybody, even he, had ever seen before.

Ellie never pushes, never prods, never challenges him. And he likes that. It's safe and comfortable not to have to change. His hesitation came when he began to realize that he doesn't always like who he's becoming, and realizes that he needs to take care of himself now that he has no one, not even Tracker, to look after him anymore.

"Look, our relationship...I know you believed in me, I do. But it just got to this point, and maybe it was because we hadn't spent time alone together in so long – "

"Snake was sick, Sean, I had to – " Emma tries to interject, but he interrupts right back.

"I _know_," Sean says, frustrated. "I know that, I know. I'm not saying – it's not like it was anyone's fault, it just happened. And I got to this point where it felt like, it was like I 't breathe or something." Sean stumbles over the words, eyes darting across the floor as if he'll find the right ones down there. "I realized that you were all I had and I needed my own life, something of my own."

Neither speaks for a few moments and Sean is at the end of his rope. "Emma...I'm sorry. I mean...I don't know what else I can say, or do...our breakup sucked and I know a lot of that was my fault." His words mirror those he offered her months ago, but there's a sincerity to them this time which they lacked before, and she wishes she didn't still miss him so much sometimes. She wishes he wasn't still able to make her so angry and so heartbroken at the same time. She tries to tell herself that he's not worth getting upset over, yet there's a part of her the realizes that he is a good person, and she wonders if she'll ever be completely over him. She hates what he's telling her, but at the same time it makes some sort of sense to her.

"Jay and them, they just...they like, took me in; just like that I was one of them...I _am_ one of them, and finally I feel like I belong to something, even if it is screwed up at times." Emma is quiet, eyes narrow and scrutinizing. He's still staring intently at the floor, lost in his words. He briefly wonders why he's being so open with her, but realizes suddenly that it's always been this way with her. "I was trying to figure stuff out, Em, and I know you got hurt in the process, and I wish it hadn't happened like that. 'Cause you know, it hurt me too."

He doesn't look back up at her, but feels there's not much else left to say. He's completely run out of words, and so straightens up and glances in her direction briefly. "Anyway, uh...that's all I wanted to say. I gotta get back to Mr. Simpson's car, so..." and with that he trails off, turns around, and, soda can still gripped tightly in one hand, leaves Emma sitting alone in her room, the long-forgotten music still playing on her stereo.

**ZZZ**

Sean can't decide whether he's improved the situation with Emma or made it a hundred times worse, but finally decides that whatever the outcome, the conversation was probably necessary. He wishes he could get far, far away from this house, however, and is now dreading having to see Emma even more than he was before they spoke. There's an ache in the pit of his stomach that prompts him to work a bit faster to finish for the day as soon as possible. They've remained in their separate corners for the past two hours since the argument and Sean thinks there's a chance, if he hurries, that he'll be able to escape without encountering Emma again this evening.

His hopes are dashed, however, when Emma walks outside with the portable phone in hand and stands in front of him, her stomach twitching nervously. She was afraid to approach him; afraid to say anything that might lead to more painful words and difficult drudging up of memories. But, she tells herself, he made the first move to repair the damage between them – or maybe she did, with her soda peace–offering, but at this point, she muses, each of them has made the first move so many times that it's impossible to keep track anymore.

"Hey," Emma says and Sean looks up at her, cautious surprise playing on his face. "My parents aren't going to be home 'till late, so I'm ordering a pizza," she tells him. His mouth is small and clamped shut, waiting for her to elaborate. "There'll be some extra...you know, it has double cheese." She shrugs. "If you want some..."

He falters briefly before nodding with a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Sure," he mumbles.

Emma nods and turns to head back inside, but pauses at the door, hesitating for a moment before turning back to Sean before he bends down to return to the car. "Just for the record, you know...I don't hate you either."

Sean blinks as she flees indoors and can't help the smile that graces his face as he goes back to work, his pace slowed a bit now.

**end**


End file.
